I go about my life just fine, sunny skies, mountains never too high to climb, then in a second, they appear. They surround me, engulf my thoughts, stop me dead in my tracks.

What do you think you’re doing? they say. You can’t; you won’t. Who do you think you are for wanting something like that?

I’m me, I respond. Me with my dreams, smart, talented, enthusiastic. I can do anything I set my mind to!

Their murmurs drown me out and make my voice quieter. You think you can do what? You want to go where? 

I grow smaller and smaller as they stand in my way, darkening my sun.

No, I gasp. No you’re wrong. I can do this. I can –

The terror grips me, paralyzing and tangible. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I’m destined to be like this forever, to become one of them someday and give up chasing dreams of my own.

That’s right, they say. Stop trying. You don’t need to struggle. You’d hate it anyway. It isn’t worth the effort.

They aren’t right. They never are. I know that now, as I sit here typing, when they’re not trying to pull me under. But sometimes they feel so real.

Sometimes I can’t resist them on my own. So my back-up comes, to whisper in my ear that yes, I can, that it all will be okay. That I shouldn’t give up – that I can never give up. It helps me pick my head up and trudge on, through their sticky black sludge, away from them and toward the light of my dreams.

This is the story of me fighting back, screaming at the top of my lungs, I can, I can I can. Though my voice may be feeble, like a small flame on a windy night that threatens to go out, it’s still there.

They haven’t won yet. I don’t plan on letting them. I know I’m not alone in this struggle, that they bother everyone at one point or another. But they feel so isolating and sad and dark.

So I count today as a victory. Another day and the nay-sayers haven’t succeeded. Each day won is another day stronger. I will achieve my dreams. I will never let them stop me.


Another Happy Post

(Just a note: I wrote this a couple days ago, and have been delayed in posting it. Today in Seattle it’s rather wet, not as sunny and bright as mentioned here, so don’t cross-check this and think I’m lying…)

Today has been one of those days where I just can’t get over how wonderful life is.

Let me paint the picture for you: I’m sitting on our rooftop patio, 18 floors up overlooking downtown Seattle. The sun is on its way toward setting, it’s in the 60s in March, and I’m sitting next to my best friend (and husband!) at a tall metal table. We’re both typing away on our laptops – Davis on work, me on this – and sipping delicious red wine recommended to us by our beautiful friend Jena (Five Branches Pinot – less than ten bucks, and it’s fantastic, as is typical when she recommends things). I just returned from physical therapy, which I love, then a run around Green Lake, one of my favorite places in the city.

Life. is. so good.

I feel incredibly lucky that I can do these things, that I have opportunities to live in a cool city and run when I want to and drink wine on top of a roof. But every little thing this afternoon really made me smile. I opened a new chapstick – it was an exciting moment. I’m wearing a relatively new Team In Training headband (Sweatybands – they really don’t slip!). I’m sitting outside in a tank top. And they played Call Me Maybe on the radio while I was driving home. Sure, I could have been annoyed that I was stuck in traffic, that I could have probably walked home in the same time it took me to drive, but instead I got to spend time singing along to Carly Rae Jepsen at the top of my lungs. Must I say it again? Life. is. so good.

This is why I started this blog: to just talk about the little moments, the tiny things that make me happy. The times I can’t help but throw my hands up and shout to the universe and thank God that it’s so so good to be alive. Life makes me smile more often than it makes me sad (though that does happen too), and for that I am so grateful. I truly hope that you can find some happiness in your day today, whether it comes in the form of a hug from a friend, a bite of something delicious, a smile from a stranger, or a moment alone after the family goes to sleep. Happy Thursday, everyone!