(posted after the fact so no crazy lunatics will come looking for me.)
With my wedding quickly approaching, this little life goal had been hanging over me for a while now. While I’m excited to be getting married and starting a life with someone, a tiny part of me kept nudging the back of my mind and making me feel like I’d let myself down. I’d never really lived anywhere by myself. I’ve always been surrounded by family or roommates or coworkers – never truly alone. Until this week.
Okay, I realize, I’m stretching the rules for myself again. The last time I did this, I told myself I lived alone for the first two weeks of RA-ness (both years) while waiting for my roommates to move in. And indeed, I did live alone. It’s just… it’s a different sensation when you’re living in university housing waiting for others to move in too and surrounded by friends.
And yes, this time, I’m “alone” in the sense that my roommate isn’t here. She’s spending her Fourth of July week with friends in our college town (lucky her, getting the whole week off… but I digress.). So that means I have our lovely new apartment all to myself.
To me this feels different. While I am waiting for her to return, I’m still really truly alone up here. I’ve met some of the neighbors, but I’m not close to them. I have friends from work, but they all live an hour(ish) away. I have complete freedom to do whatever I want to right now: see a movie, visit another city, go for a run. I could play Guitar Hero loudly or read on our patio. Nothing’s stopping me from any of these options.
It’s weird, this complete freedom. I don’t know why it’s different from when my roommate’s here, because she’s not a limiting person at all. Also, it’s really quiet. Since I only talk to myself on occasion (read: when I’m writing emails or figuring something out), the only sounds I really hear are the cars from the street we’re next to and the washing machine as it finishes this load of laundry. I like this stillness. It’s different. It gives my brain a chance to recuperate and breathe.
I think I like this aloneness, for now. However, I do know myself quite well, and at the heart of all of this, I really like company. I enjoy having other people around, even if we’re not doing anything together. Just having them there is comforting. This week really “counts” as my week in which I live by myself. I can cross it off my bucket list once and for all and look forward to living with the love of my life in about a year’s time. 🙂