It comes off tomorrow.
My cast, that is. Four weeks ago I switched out my full-arm Ace-bandage splint for a hip forearm-only neon green cast. Hearing the doctor tell me that my ligaments were fine and that the only thing broken was my radius was music to my ears – something I never would have said a mere two months ago. But getting this cast equaled getting my freedom back – I could shower, I could type with both hands, I could cook myself dinner. I’d be able to put a normal backpack on again, and I could hold Davis’s hand when I felt like it.
And it comes off tomorrow.
You’d think I’d be rejoicing. You’d think I’d want to rip this thing off and scratch my arm until I couldn’t feel it anymore, or run it under warm water until our water heater ran out. But honestly… honestly I think I’m going to miss it.
I mean, yes, there are perks: I’ll be able to go to the gym again. To take showers without putting a bag over my hand. To, you know, write like I used to. To eat with it. To bend my wrist. I’m going to truly get my freedom back.
But I’m so afraid of what’s underneath this green (albeit graffiti-ed) arm of mine.
What if The Bruise is still there? The last time I saw my forearm, there was a distinct dark line down the middle of it – nothing like I’d ever seen before. What if it hasn’t disappeared yet? My arm looked tiny, yellow even – what if it hasn’t gotten better? Of course my skin’s going to be scaly, but that’s the least of my worries. What if it still hurts? If it didn’t heal right? What if I can’t bend my wrist?
This cast is the last obvious and physical reminder of my accident six weeks ago. My last saving hope of “fixing” myself back to the way I was before. What if it didn’t fix me? What if I’m still broken?
Who knew that running could be so bad for me? I realize the tumble I took and the bone I broke are minor compared to others out there. But they still had a drastic impact on my life, from having to change bandages twice a day to not being able to wear pants with buttons. I’m better now, but what if it comes off and I’m still not fixed?
These fears are foolish, I realize. The doctor I’m seeing is the best in the area – he won’t let me leave without making sure everything’s just right. I’m still kind of dreading the visit tomorrow, though. Excited, but dreading it. Wish me luck – we’ll see how things turn out.