Sometimes I become so afraid of blogging.
I mean, I love this thing. It lets me express myself and shout to the world whatever it is that I want to say. I think I’ve just become afraid to say it.
Why? Well, because I’m just one lowly human being in the scope of all that is mankind. I’m not an award-winning writer; I haven’t even graduated from college (and won’t in English or Liberal Studies, that’s for sure). So what makes me qualified to sit here and write? What if my stuff is – dare I say it? – boring?
What this basically comes down to is a confidence thing, which is something I’ve been struggling with for the past week or so. This sort of thing hits me in waves. I’ll feel great for long periods of time – I don’t even have to think about my confidence because it is so naturally there. I can simply fully be me. But every once in a while I hiccup, and my confidence seems to slip away, leaving me alone and seemingly helpless in its shadow. I don’t appreciate the act of sitting here writing about whatever it is that I choose to write about, or the product that comes out of it. No, instead I become afraid – afraid that I’m not “good enough” to have a blog, that my writing is “boring” or “unoriginal” or whatever other negative words cross my mind at the time.
To me, having a blog symbolizes being creative, unique, different, if you will. Even though I know hundreds of thousands of other people are doing exactly what I’m doing right now, and that I’m not so different after all. But they’re not saying what I’m saying, they’re not feeling what I’m feeling. And a good portion of them aren’t using their “there, their, and they’re”s correctly either (as I’m pretty sure I am). I have such high expectations for myself and for what I see coming out of this that I always want to be able to write about something extraordinarily exciting that will make my readers go “Wow, she just put that so perfectly! I wish I could write like her.” My problem is that I feel like a lot of what I’m writing right now is in fact quite mediocre and will get shrugged over with a brief “huh” before you quickly click to Facebook instead. I aim to inspire you, or at least give you something new to think about. Is that arrogant, to think that I could have that sort of power? Perhaps, but it doesn’t change that desire.
I guess I should also just focus on writing for me, not for any of you (sorry), though that’s quite difficult for me to do too. Every once in a while I get this magical urge to pour my heart out, and when I follow it words just seem to flow out of my mind and through my fingers, like they were meant to be on the page all along. They tell my story just as it was, so very flawlessly that I couldn’t rewrite it any better if I tried to. But those only seem to come once in a blue moon. The last time I was truly satisfied with a piece was almost a year ago. I wish I could have that kind of accuracy all the time. I tell myself that I’d indeed write more if I could guarantee those kind of results. But the truth of the matter is that I should keep going anyway, since we’re really not guaranteed anything out of life. All I can do is try and try and try again, and maybe once out of a hundred attempts I’ll get something really good.
So basically, in a nutshell: I’m quite sorry it’s been so long. I apologize every time I go too long without blogging, because I really do feel bad when I make you wait for something new. Usually this happens when I get too busy, and when I get too busy I often become afraid to post anything at all, since I put unnecessary pressures on myself to produce something good. I shall really try to push through this and do better in the future. Also, I really appreciate your patience and faith in me, and the fact that you read my blog altogether. This has been a bit of a boring post, but I feel that it has been good for me and it has allowed you an opportunity to see how I think. Thanks for reading – I hope to write again soon. 🙂