I really struggle with focusing on the now.
I think a lot about my future. Wait, that previous statement doesn’t even seem to cover it; what I mean is, I think entirely too much about it. The idea of what’s next in life just consumes me. There’s a stream of questions in my head that just can’t seem to be shut off. Here, listen in: What will I do with my degree? Where will I be three, five, ten years from now? Where will I live then? Will I be happy when (never “if”, it seems) I get married? What about twenty years after that – will I still be happy? Will having kids make me happy? Should I have kids? Should I have them when I’m 29, or when I’m 34? Will I still be working then?
It just goes on and on. And quite honestly, it’s ridiculous. I will never know who, what, or where I’ll be sometime in the future until I actually get there. No amount of worrying or over-contemplating will change my life. If anything, it will just make me more stressed. It will cloud my head with unnecessary thoughts that will freak me out when some aspect of my life is not completed “on time.” And it will stop me from living right now.
So this is what I want to focus on: I want to think about today, and tomorrow. And that’s it. Yes, I can plan my vacation next week, or who will bring what to my new apartment in the fall. But in terms of who I’ll be in seven years, no. I’m not allowed to think that far ahead. (please pray for me on this account… I know this will be very difficult for me to do!)